There’s nothing more beautiful than a cozy rainy day, and the nostalgic feeling it brings you.
Ripe mangoes, and the scent of soil along with those giant trees around my gabled roof house. O’ I remember the dancing Ashoka trees around our entrance gate. They were in horizontal row.
And rain, how I loved to craft paper boats, and how I loved to jump in standing water.. I had a wonderful friend who is no longer on earth. How we played with our colour changing umbrellas…How we loved monsoon and mangoes.. And how we prayed for holidays to play…And how we shook plants after rain for the droplets to fall on us…And O’ how we picked Java apples after apple..How lovely and white-greenish they were… And how we fought eachother n’ loved eachother n’ fought…And how little we worried.. how often we played and made a fuss over everything… God, how we baked delicious memories for the days to come ahead.. but little did I know you would only be a part of my evergreen childhood days 💚
( A/N – not a poetry. just the memories are rushing in, n i can’t help myself.. i miss white greenish Java apples, and my old friend who passed away) Sorry, I used a lot of “ands” for the rhythmic flow.
They say, woman’s body is magical. No, it’s magically tragic ? a battlefield, a catastrophe, a steaming hellfire. At tender age of fourteen, she bleeds, every month of every year, fiercly dying a thousand deaths. how nights have stolen the comfort of her cozy bed? how exams and works have lashed at her with the feeling of ugh?
She bleeds and battles half her life only to be certified, of being a mother. And when it stops (for a while), the good news is served. But there it begins the fatigue, the vomiting, the swelling, the itching, the twitching, the aches and pains and many more And there comes a inhuman scream, a burning in hell experience and a baby.
But it doesn’t stop. There’s a session of excessive bleeding. You’ve not blood for awhile. Yes, mighty God knows it well.
And the weird changes. The big breasts bulge out, with blues, and many more, the shapes of sacrifice.
And there it goes.. She bleeds, and a catastrophic birth and bleeds and a catastrophic birth…
(I used to wonder why the mighty God couldn’t find an alternative way to reproduce. It’s a curse. I’d call it, “a brutal curse“. Eve ate the forbidden fruit, n’ the God cursed her with pregnancy pain. How cruel! The curse had fallen over the entire humanity. It’s more like punishing an entire classroom for a mistake done by a spoilt kid.)
Do they really know you? Do they know what you house inside your walls? Do they know the fantasies inside – the cobwebs of your head? Do they know of your thousand tangled thoughts ? Do they know of eerie songs of your heart ? Do they know that you court evils ?
and if they get a supersensual eye, won’t they stumble? and if they’ve delicate hearts, won’t they die? How tragic! How terrible!
I’ve not yet lived. I’m always waiting to live, Though I’m ensnared in fatigue, I keep hope at the far horizon, of a miracle, that one day I’ll be up the roller coaster, up the sky, living… like other happy vibrant people.
But when? it’s my 23rd year, n’ I’ve not yet lived….. Oh my excruciating thoughts and poems, Oh my venomous worries and fears, let me look at the blue blue sky for awhile ?
I’ve not yet lived. It’s terrifying! years are slipping away, and my death is not far away. when will I live? tell me, when will I ?
Why should a person hold on/ move on when life is nothing but gloom, eclipsed with everlasting gloom and despondency ?
Why should a girl hold on/move on when her life is nothing but encircled by concertina wires and barricades ?
Why should an introvert hold on/ move on when people mockingly blame you amid the anxiety attacks ?
Why should an awkward person hold on/ move on when insecurities yell louder than thunder and smash you ?
Why should a weary woman hold on/ move on when her life is trapped under the feet of a man ?
Why should her heart beat when nothing of her love counts ?
Why should we live a horrible life when death can exquisitely stop all our worries and fears ?
They say, talk to someone, talk to him, talk to her, but for goodness’ sake, die alone.
If you recite your overflowing waves of worries and blues to someone, you’re expanding the depth of your doleful heart. Next day, you’ll worry, thinking that they worry about you of worrying. You’ll worry, thinking that they worry about you for not seeing any progress in you even after being all ears to their beautifully sewed advices. And won’t they get sick and tired to spend a lifetime with an ill poet like you? Acknowledge them that you are not just a seasonal poet with seasonal blues.
They say, hell is awaiting to welcome you, suicide is a sin in the book of God… Yes, God wants to kill you all by Himself. Who are you to do his villainous role ??
But here you’re, either fear of death or little love for life is holding you back ?
From a corner, I’d tell you killing oneself is an act of bravery. So does living the hellish life ?
Either fear of death or little love for life is holding you back ? The enchanting art of this universe, sunset, vibrant flowers, singing birds, hullabaloo of kids in the street, serene morning, silver moon, great paintings…. Ever made you feel like you should stay here for a little longer ?? Ever made you feel like you only live once in this miraculously enchanting universe ?
Looking back, last year was exquisitely creative. I found a new way to express myself. I was able to paint down my weird imaginations, stifled feelings, mostly formless poems of my desolate heart. Yess, I painted before, but last year was a celestial year of colours.
“Though my days have been hard, art has taught me to love life despite despondency and gloom.”
If you’re someone struggling with overflowing waves of worries and problems, I’d suggest you to have a wall full of paintings.
When it comes to writing and chasing my childhood dream, I’m as slow as molasses.
What hurts me the most is the realisation that I’ve transformed into a hypersensitive being. Though I’m trying hard to get outta these blackholes, I couldn’t even find myself moving an inch out.
Only last year, I disappeared for more than 25 times to take chill pills due to my overflowing waves of worries and fears. I am extremely sorry for that, but detoxing and disconnecting are so necessary, especially when you live in an era of toxic media, and people who pretend to be good but are really venomous snakes.
“I’m horribly limited” not in a way Plath meant. But I’m socially awkward, and I’ve been encircled by concertina wires… And it hurts like hell to know that we’ve no place here. This world is for social butterflies. Universe, how I wish people would try to understand the scalding blisters of my heart instead of ripping up my already wounded life
And Art…”Art has taught me to love life despite despondency and gloom 🎭✨”
Today I wanna thank you all from my bottom of heart. Thanks a ton for your support. Thank you, WordPress 💖
satan knows how every night i battle with tornadoes of my life. how every night i row across these gigantic waves. hell! i sank twice, thrice and many more.. shark knows the taste of my blood, and the cold waves in her attempt to heal wounds – almost killed me.
satan knows how i struggle to sow seeds, and only he knows how little I’ve, to harvest for tomorrow’s exam..
satan, exams are no longer about winning and losing but writing, just writing….
when traumas lash mist over the windows of visions, exams are not about winning and losing but writing, just writing…
(and dear kids who write exams amid traumas, isn’t just writing a kind of victory?? )